I don’t know if you will remember, but back in the age of catnip and innocence I used to have an annual event called Purdey’s PAWS Awards. ‘PAWS’ stands for Purdey’s Awards for Worldwide Stardom – fairly explanatory, I hope. I’m not going to bother to explain if it’s not – I’m listening to mice on the other side of the skirting board and I’ve got to be quick. Anyway, the prize was a glittering golden fir cone, which was awarded to the candidate who won the most votes for her feline acting prowess. Naturally, this usually turned out to be me, but in later years, for reasons that made me extremely suspicious, my A-list status was usurped by an exotic long-haired puffball called Ponyo.
This may or may not have been the reason why I decided not to hold any more PAWS Awards for some considerable time. I mean, what’s the point, if I don’t win?
Anyway, this year, having been bribed with a few delicious cheesy treats, I’ve agreed to reinstate the awards. Yes, the golden fir cone is once again up for grabs! I can only imagine the frisson of excitement that this announcement will send throughout the movie world. George Clooney’s coffee cup is probably wobbling in anticipation. I’m sure he drinks too much of it, anyway.
Firstly, I’m guessing you’d like to meet the other stars. I’m sure you’ll remember Ponyo and Angel from previous award ceremonies. Ponyo still has the golden fir cone from last time, and is refusing to give it back. I suppose she thinks it makes her look glamorous. It is also my dubious pleasure to introduce two new contestants who have sneaked in below the radar. They’re both totally superfluous and could quite easily have been classed as extras. Their names are Ariel and Clyde…
What can I say? You can’t buy star quality. True actors radiate a kind of presence: they bring an intense energy to the stage. My agent says that when I’m prowling around, she finds it impossible to take her eyes off me. I enjoy demanding roles that require stealth, action, and a good splash of murder – spontaneous or premeditated, it doesn’t really matter. And it goes without saying that I do all my own stunts. Thank you, yes, I know, it’s risky – but I’m a professional.
Feather-light and silky-haired, Ponyo is the epitome of Hollywood glamour. Her wide luminous eyes and beguiling elfin face are tailor-made for classic romance or a traditional black-and-white thriller. However, little Pon does have some unsuspected talents up her sleeve, and she says that she likes to push the envelope when it comes to genre. To be honest, I don’t think she’s ever seen an envelope.
Angel, seen here relaxing in her Los Angeles mansion, is a soft and affectionate lady whose acting skills are completely natural and spontaneous. Her most sincere emotions are expressed in the proximity of food; she dreams of filming medieval banqueting scenes. This year, however, she has attempted a number of widely different roles in an attempt to avoid being typecast as a dignified elderly matron.
Gentle and placid, but acutely observant, Clyde is a newcomer to the PAWS Awards, and is only just beginning to explore his acting talents. So far, most of his roles reflect his attitude to life, which is generally horizontal, unless he finds himself in the proximity of fish. For a novice, Clyde has attempted some pretty ambitious roles but personally I find his efforts unconvincing… I mean, ‘Predator’, really? He needs to grow some better teeth. A mushroom could do more damage. With his butterscotch colouring, Clyde claims Viking descent: he tells me that his illustrious ancestors arrived in dragon ships, borne on the winds of the north. Yes, right. I’m going to steal one of his whiskers and send it off for DNA analysis.
Ariel is the second newcomer to the Awards. Imagine a marshmallow on legs, but with more curiosity and a wider vocal range. She tells me that she sees herself in musical theatre in two or three years’ time. Ariel is generally an indoor cat, but one memorable day last summer, when her agents were away and some hapless individuals were ministering to her needs, Ariel treated them to a performance of ‘The Lady Vanishes’ by exiting via the cat flap and disappearing. Afterwards, she claimed she was at Covent Garden but everyone knows she was with Stewart. Oh, sorry Ariel, were you trying to keep it quiet?
Now that you’ve met the candidates, it’s time to look at their nominations. Then, scroll down to the poll to vote for your favourites. You have three votes, so use them wisely!
Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol
Terminator: Dark Fate
Mission to Mars
Sherlock Holmes and the Scarlet Claw
Alien III: Kitchen Surprise
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Who would you like to see lift the prestigious Golden Fir Cone this year? Use your three votes carefully! The poll will close in about a month’s time, after which the winner will be announced.